Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
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Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
man i love columbo
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