You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
#SCOTUS one-star review
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
This fish is cracking me up
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.