If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
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It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
I’m being attacked 😭
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Cake safety first. Always.