I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
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Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
My whole life was a lie.