If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
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HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back