[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
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Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Me too