i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
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It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.