Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
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*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.