HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
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Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions