Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
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Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4