Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
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Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
That’s not how days work.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I hate everything
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’