You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
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A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Why is this me 😫
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.