Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
You Might Also Like
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.