The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
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[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.