The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
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My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
My brain is a bad influence on me
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.