*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
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To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught