I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
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*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
The future is now.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods