me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
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Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.