“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
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Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.