My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
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“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
fourth time’s the charm
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.