That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
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I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model