me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
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Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded