Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
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[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
And bowling should be called pinball
Somebody’s lying.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy