daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
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No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
She: I like Cats
He:
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
yeet
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?