My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
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All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
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