Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
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[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.