Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
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My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
my retirement plan is braless
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.