If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
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Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god