This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
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You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.