I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
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I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
I can’t deal with men any longer
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year