Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
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And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
No, YOUR illiterate.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
This bar smells like my childhood.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine