DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
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Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
oh you wanna fight?!
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.