Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
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American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
The little toadstool has spoken.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
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