I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
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Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
tinder is all about the long game
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
every college guy’s fridge
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.