to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
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flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop