If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
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Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
…..pretty much.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Bill is short for Billiam
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!