-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
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I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now