I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
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“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.