Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
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Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can鈥檛 follow the plot
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Me: What鈥檇 you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
You come to my house鈥n the day my daughter is to be married鈥nd you ask me to do murder for money
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Me : what鈥檚 that thing that鈥檚 not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 馃ゲ
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It鈥檚 like the assistants at the doctor鈥檚 office don鈥檛 know anything about women.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
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Uncertain:
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Just married:
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Pregnant:
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Dead:
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