At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
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Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.