[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
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[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
I have a type: disappointing
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.