Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
You Might Also Like
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon