Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
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Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Namaste
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically