One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
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People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
The “baby” on the left….
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma