tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
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What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”