Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
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we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
calling in to work dehydrated
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.