On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
You Might Also Like
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Just this preview of the story is enough
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch