Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
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me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
I’m not lazy
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.