I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
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To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
the saddest jazz hands ever
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name