I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
You Might Also Like
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..